Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Confidence and conviction

I've been thinking about what my New Years resolutions should/will be. In my job, I have to ask folks about "confidence and conviction" based on a 1-10 scale. (you know how we nurses love those 1-10 scales!) "How confident are you that you can make these changes?" ... "How convinced are you that you need to make these changes?" I'm really not sure why we ask these, because we proceed regardless of their answers. These are great questions. Now, how do I answer them for myself? Well, let me list them first .... here goes.

1. Make a better effort to keep in touch with family/friends.
2. Take my health seriously; get my cholesterol #s down/up; lose 50 lbs this year
3. Stop ignoring my finances (because I'm scared shitless of being broke again) and take
control of them.
4. Be more organized, especially with mail/bills.

Confidence: 10
Conviction: 10

Nearly time to shower and get to work (which just involves stepping out into the garage, and into my office). Not looking forward to making phonecalls after about 7pm tonight ... no plans for tonight ... lame. Looks like I'd better add another resolution.

6. Be more social. (like I used to be)

Happy New Year, all. So long, 2008.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Yesterday, my 21 year old daughter moved back home. I think we all have mixed feelings about it ... I love it when she's around, so I'm OK with it ... Marty (hubby) loves having her here also, but finds her lack of housekeeping frustrating (as do I, but not as much as him) ... even though she hasn't said it, I know she is disappointed. The condo she was sharing with 2 other girls sold, and she didn't have adequate time (or desire) to find an apartment she could afford on her own, or suitable roommates. This is temporary.

I had another vivid "ex-husband" dream ... the one where he taps my shoulder from behind and when I turn around, he kisses me so passionately, my knees feel like buckling ... WHY do I have these dreams? I guess having been married to him for 20 years, that might explain it ... but these dreams ... I wake up wanting him ... I'll be glad when enough years have passsed and the dreams stop.

Looks like a crisp day outside .... not a cloud in the sky ... no breeze ... but I know it got into the 30s last night. I have to work today. I will be so glad when the holidays are behind us. It's kinda hard to talk with folks about diet and exercise when their families are waiting at the turkey feast for them. Tis the season for New Years resolutions though, so ... THAT is on my side ... Next year, I'll be sure and take vacation the day before Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve day ... not a good day to motivate someone to eat right and get some exercise. Did I mention I'll be GLAD when the holidays are over???

Speaking of work, gotta hit the shower and get busy ...

Monday, December 29, 2008

a blog virgin no more

I have read others' ... I have wondered what I'd say if I started writing one of my own ... do I have anything to say? Do I want others reading it? Will anyone care what I have to say? Do I even care if others care? Well, my conclusion is apparent .... here I am, writing my first blog. I encourage others to "write down their thoughts" for stress management. It's about time I took my own advice. Now, if I could just start exercising!

I was totally NOT into Christmas this year. I'm not altogether sure why, though. I think I may be going through some sort of depressive era in my life. I have much to be thankful for, and things could be a whole lot worse, so, of course I feel guilty feeling depressed about things. Hell, I feel guilty if the wind blows sometimes. Is this a woman thing? ... a nurse thing? ... a mother thing?

I live in beautiful Georgia, 20 hours from my aging parents, who's health is quickly declining. I get frequent, sometimes comical but mostly pissy updates from one of my brothers as to the most recent "circus activity". My step-mother, who I will refer to as my mother cause that's really what she is after 30 years, worked 2 jobs most of her life and retired Feb, 2008. Since that time, her health has turned 180 degrees. She was recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but moreso I think her problems are undiagnosed depression (and possibly mania thrown in there at times). My dad, who has always enjoyed drinking, has really been enjoying it lately ... to the point where he's fallen twice in the past week, the last being at my brother's house Christmas night while showering, where he proceeded to tear down the shower curtain, and while trying to get up, pulled the toilet tank from the wall AT THE PIPE. After my brother had to pick my naked dad up off the floor, an argument ensued. My dad wanted to drink more before bed ... my brother said NO. *sigh*

My brother and I used to joke about "who gets who" when the time comes ... he always said he'd take his mom, who was going to be pleasantly confused and funny in her final days ... and I was going to get my dad, who was going to be a pissed-off man, who's body has failed him. Sheesh ... I keep trying to get my brother to trade me ... he won't even hear of it. It's not a joke anymore ... I'm afraid the day is coming sooner rather than later. Not sure what will happen, but I do know my brother resents that I'm way out here. Or maybe it's just my guilt kicking in again.

I know people go through this ... it's not just me/us. Everyone's parents get older. It's heart-breaking sometimes, isn't it? They have worked so hard all their lives ...

I'm not sure what I expect from blogging ... do I feel better after having written this? A little ... will anyone respond and let me know that I'm not alone? Maybe ... hopefully. I am going to make an effort to write something everyday ... even if it's just a few lines. Maybe I really do know what I'm talking about. :) Hey, I do feel better.